War On Everything

These days there always seems to be a controversy about something and by something I mean everything. So, here's some jokes I thought of that are probably controversial so that everyone can call me this that and whatever (in that order) in response to what I'm about to say.  Also, in doing research for this post I have officially ruined my online analytics and have effectively left advertisers very confused as to my demographic.

Let me start by saying this "God" of the Old Testament should be categorized in mythology under "Trickster Gods".  Face it, Old Testament God is kind of a Kanye, a mix of genius and jackass all rolled into one but with less multi-platinum albums. 

So God says "Let there be light" and BOOM, light. Damn, that's pretty good God, what else you got?

Water, sky, plants, fruit, animals--- BAM BAM BAM! God's on a fucking creation ROLL. He worked so hard by the 7th day he had to take himself a little break because his HR department told him he clocked 9 hours of overtime on Saturday and that he was breaking several labor laws.

So then God makes man ("Adam"), but then apparently to make woman ("Eve") he has to wait til the dude he just created fell asleep in order to take out one of his fucking ribs to make her. Hold up God, I missed the part where you got your medical degree and did your surgical internship.  Not to mention this makes no sense because you just made literally the entire universe from nothing, what happened? Did you run out of art supplies? Was it because Hobby Lobby is closed on Sunday but you felt that creative urge?

Then, God builds this swanky-ass garden paradise with all kinds of cool shit in it for the two people he just made to live in forever (rent control, holla!) which is a pretty sweet.  Things seemed to be pretty chill until God built an apple tree right in the middle of all of it and tells them to never ever eat those apples or they will have knowledge of right and wrong which will ultimately result in the first ever fashion disaster that is wearing leaves for clothes and nobody wants that guys, NOBODY WANTS THAT!

That was a dick move God.  That's like me putting 50 cupcakes on the coffee table and telling everyone in my house not to eat them because, reasons.

So now here comes some snake that God made who rolls up to Eve one day and starts talking about how he thinks that she really should go get one of those apples and eat it and then share it with Adam because "you won't die, I swear! God just said that because he doesn't want you to have any fun!"

Hold up what? Are these apples we're talking about or some kind of recreational drug? Also, why would you create this snake and make him such an asshole and then stick him in paradise? This neighborhood has sure gone downhill.

Inevitably Eve goes to chow down on these off-limits-possilby-made-of-drugs apples because she never stopped to ask herself "Hang on, a talking snake? When did that shit happen?".  Adam then blamed her because she gave him some apple and said "Here, eat this" and he did. What? Who does that? Did he not stop to think that apples only grew on that ONE TREE they weren't supposed to be eating off of? "Oh, that's an APPLE God? Shit, my bad, I thought that was a nectarine!"

In conclusion, God is a jerk who literally created two of the dumbest people on earth and then told them to breed.